That's Life.

Ask me anything   I'm just a gal trying to make it in this place called Life w/ my super awesome son. I don't have much, but I carry much potential. I don't have a direction, but I know I'm headed somewhere. I want to live life, shop, dance, have sips of wine and especially, love. I decided to move back to Denver, where I now blog and play. My name is Monica and this is not fucking bullshit. All moms welcome to read my rants and ravings because we all know...That's Life.

    My hair looks rough from the freaking tornado weather today. Ha. Other than that, I think we look good. ;-)  (at Green Valley Ranch, Denver, Colorado)

    My hair looks rough from the freaking tornado weather today. Ha. Other than that, I think we look good. ;-) (at Green Valley Ranch, Denver, Colorado)

    — 4 months ago
    A Soft Shade of Blue.

    I don’t even know how to begin this post because I’m not sure where to begin. Do I begin from the first chapter or should I just give a quick review? I feel like I write better in ink because then my heart pours out even quicker and can perhaps better express the madness. I don’t feel like I’m sinking into a depression, maybe my mind and heart are trying to fight the depression like an antibiotic trying to kill a virus. That’s why I feel this way at the moment. This is something I need to fight off. Something I need to defeat by myself. For a while I was sad and then the emotion turned into anger. Angry at the whole SHITuation. Here I am back in the beginning. Sad. Unhappy. Not with him, but with myself. To be in this situation when there’s a son involved makes going through life much difficult. There’s always that bridge we’ll have between us, but can never pass. What was once our Tunnel of Love is now just a hollow gap. I don’t feel lost, I just don’t know where to go right now. I keep thinking of his last words to me and the fact that he still hasn’t made effort to contact our son. It just…breaks my heart. To hear my son say dada. It made me shed a few tears when he said it first thing this morning. It even made me miss him…just a little. I’m still upset of the whole SHITuation of how it came to be. Not everything was ugly. Some of it was beautiful, too. I guess some beautiful paintings have an ugly story behind them. I need to be strong, I mean, I know I am. This is just a crack in the wall. You can repair cracks and make it look like it was never destroyed whatsoever. I’m only human and I weaken… I soften up. I turn to mush… Guess my cracks haven’t been repaired yet.

    I must go. It’s getting late. This was meant to be a quick review anyway.

    — 4 months ago
    #Blue  #sad  #Sadness  #depression  #son  #Lost  #angry  #anger  #hurt  #Bestrong  #Shituation 
    A Week Later…

    I feel so much damn better than I did a week ago. I had fallen into this hole that I thought was going to take me weeks/months to get out of. It ended up being not as bad as I thought, which means…I’m stronger than I believed to be. It still hurts. I feel a bit lonely in the apartment once the sun goes down. I’m not 100%, but I don’t have this splitting headache and I can finally eat a decent meal. Breakups are lovely, aren’t they? BabyDaddy says he’s sorry for what he’s done and wants to clear his head in order to figure out his order of things and what direction to go. When he thought he was going to be arriving to the same old house he once knew a couple years ago, he ended up arriving to an episode of Hoarders. The grass isn’t so green, IS IT?! I guess everything happens for a reason…and he needed to physically see the new location of the junkyard: his families BACKyard. Yes, I typed correctly. The backyard looks like a junkyard and when he called me upon his arrival, it was like a tornado hit the city and all the junk and crap landed right in front of his face.

    I’m not going to lie. I was a little pleased about how shitty he felt at the sight of it. Now his head is filled up like the new design of his yard and is on a mission to clean it up. Maybe it’ll make his balls a little bigger and’ll make a man outta him. All I truly want is his fucking ANGER ISSUE to disappear and never ever ever ever EVER return. Who knows? Maybe after the spring clean, he’ll clean up his OWN self.¬†

    Me? Let’s just say I applied for fafsa. Decided to be that 30 year old mom that goes back to school to make something out of herself. I plan on working out ALLLLLL THE TIME, this time. At least 4-5 days a week. Yoga and cardio, the best combo (I love you, Tara Stiles and Jillian Michaels). Thank God my unemployment benefits were approved so I’m getting paid looking for work (Twas a miracle!). Rent/bills paid. Checking out some daycare’s soon. Things are in line, now the next on my list is landing a great paying job. A lot of praying will be underway. I will even be headed to the nearest Trader Joe’s for their deliciously inexpensive wine to get me through those chick flicks, late weekend nights, and even cleaning my son’s freaking toys from the livingroom. Damn hot wheel cars everywhere.

    Oh, life. How you are full of surprises. And a lot of Hot Wheels.

    — 4 months ago
    #life  #breakups  #anger  #college  #yoga  #cardio  #god  #miracles  #traderjoes  #wine  #babydaddy  #hoarders  #highdesert  #thirtyyearsold  #baby  #mom  #workout  #unemployment  #hotwheels 

    My head is throbbing. My nose is runny. My eyes feel tired, but my mind is too cluttered to sleep. There is this big dark cloud over me and the sun is non-existent at this point.

    I’ve been heartbroken before. This time it really hurts…

    I don’t even know what to say. I want to speak for days, and at the same time, I want to stay as silent as a mime. It hurts me in the deep core of my heart. I hate that this day began and “ended” that way. Morning break ups are no fun. Your head hurts for the remainder of the day.

    I’m scared to sleep alone tonight. This time it’s just me and the baby in this apartment…


    — 4 months ago
    #Breakups  #heartbroken  #sad  #feellikeshit  #tired  #headache  #sleepy  #love  #hate  #alone  #fuck 
    Dirty Dishes & Crazy Bitches

    This morning I woke up at 6a & I actually felt more awake today than the days I wake up at 10a. I guess all those years working at the Bucks has made me accustom to the early bird risers. I woke up feeling good and alert, I didn’t need an immediate cup of joe in my hands. Felt nice. As I lay in bed, I hear the grunts & groans and the dishes being tossed in the sink. I walk out of the bedroom and see him looking pissed off as he’s washing a cup.
    “Why are you washing a cup when there’s mugs in the cabinet?”
    “Because all the fucking dishes are dirty. I had to wash dishes & this pan just to make breakfast.”
    I open the cabinet to show him, “Those aren’t dirty.” There’s at least 4 mugs in the corner.
    “I didn’t wanna use a mug. I needed a cup.”
    Oh my goodness, really??? The prince needed a CUP, not a mug. They both hold liquids, does it really matter?? Instead of getting upset, I tell him from now on I’m gonna make breakfast at night so all he has to do is heat it up in the morning. You see that? Did I act like a psychobitch & get crazy? (NO). Anyway, Last night, I was tired at 11p and took advantage of the early night (yes, 11p is early for me), so I passed out w/o washing the dishes. Boy, did I regret it. This dispute made the sunrise feel like bullshit. We bickered about something else and eventually headed out. I’m just tired of fighting. I’m tired of his attitude. I’m tired of his anger issue & getting mad about eeeeverything. AGAIN. He literally reminds me of The Hulk, minus the green body.
    On the drive to his job site, I tried to reason with him about his anger issue and how it’s not good to let something as simple as a DISH piss him off. Don’t let stuff (especially dishes) get the best of you, ya know? That’s my philosophy.
    “You sound like a counselor,” is what he mutters.
    Great. That’s EXACTLY what I wanted him to say. (Ugh…)

    The rest of the way, it was a dead silence. What more can we say? Did we just break up a few minutes ago? I don’t want to further express what else was said because, like every other couple that argues, we say stuff we don’t mean. Or, we say stuff we DO mean, but when it comes down to it, don’t follow through it. So who the fuck knows.

    Now I feel like crap. Not depressed. Not going all emo on ya’ll. Its just frustrating not knowing what’s going to happen when you have all these plans to go back to school in the fall. If I end up a single mom, how am I gonna do baby, school, AND work? I would love the advice from another mother who did it. I was hoping to be a stay at home mom for a few months, but now I may have to look for work sooner than expected.

    All this over a dirty stupid pan and dish.

    — 5 months ago
    #Anger  #angermanagement  #hate  #love  #relationships  #drama  #dirtydishes  #pissedoff  #Angry  #fighting  #singlemom  #School  #college  #stayathomemom 
    What Happened To Tumblr?


    It’s me again, in the cyber flesh.
    If only I could transfer the images & memories in my brain from the last time I logged on to now, and post it here, there would probably be a movie out there & I’d be rich. My life has been nuts. Skyrocketing to positive skies and then plummeting to deep and negative seas. No matter what the heck happens, I still smile. You have to or life will suck even more ass. I’m still Me. Haven’t changed so much. I don’t know if that’s good nor bad, come to think.

    But hey, like I said, I still smile.

    I will begin to post certain occasions, trips, moments of happiness and anger. You know, all…That’s Life. The good, the bad, and the ugly I may not want to post but may have the guts to after a few glasses of wine. I hope to gain some readers, especially from moms out there that need to find that 1 babymama that understands. And trust me,

    I sure as fuck do.

    — 5 months ago with 1 note
    #life  #hate  #me  #babymama  #smile  #thatslife  #moms  #mom 
    A year without Tumblr. Well, almost.

    I’m gonna try to follow up with this tumblr thing once again. It got a little nutty for…I dunno. What? A year? Pretty much… It’s been a crazy fucking adventure. I’m still my same self. A little thinner. ;) Starvation works well with me. Ha! JK! I love food. I’ll NEVER starve. Which reminds me. I’m hungry… ANYWAY. I’m back to attack. Gonna try to keep up on my Tumblr world. I just…need to vent out, even if it’s to the damn keys to my laptop. I will be back soon. I’ve got loads to say.

    — 2 years ago
    #tumblr  #i'mback  #helloonceagain 

    My first rainbow in L.A. A double¬†duo at that. From my rooftop, it looked fucking BIG and BEAUTIFUL. My mobile device has a weak ass camera, so I couldn’t get the whole rainbow. I took a mental picture of it, however. ;)

    — 3 years ago with 1 note
    #rainbow  #LA  #doublerainbow  #big  #beautiful 
    The winter rain outside my main.

    The winter rain outside my main.

    — 3 years ago
    #LA  #rainyLA